Coquette
by tmtcltb
Summary: Tired of the TAC team's terrible hair choices, Azima takes matters into her own hands.


_A/N - something that will never happen in the show but made me laugh. Thank you to Scousedancer and Tea-induced Scribbles for the inspiration. - tmtcltb_

 _x_

Azima marched into the crew lounge, crossing the room and slapping the items that she was carrying down on the small table where the team usually played cards. A large bowl of water, a smaller bowl filled with white foam, a pair of curved scissors, a shaving brush, and, most alarming, a switchblade. Her dark eyes skimmed over the men in the room.

"Who is going first?" she asked without preamble.

"Is this some sort of Kenyan rite of passage that I'm unfamiliar with?" Wolf drawled as several of the enlisted men made their escape.

"Not at all." Azima's eyes narrowed but her smile could have melted butter. "I simply cannot stand another moment looking at the rats nest on your face. There's actually food stuck in it."

"But Agent Fletcher said we needed them to blend in here. It's a respect issue..." Erik began, only to be cut off.

With a flick of her wrist, Azima dismissed Agent Fletcher's argument. "You think growing a beard means a freckled redhead like you is going to blend in?"

"She has a point there," Kat quipped in an almost perfect imitation of her father. "No way you or Lieutenant Green are going to pass for locals."

Azima gave the young woman a nod. "Besides, did you notice where we are now? Italy. _No beards_." Azima snapped the switchblade open. "Burk, who goes first? You, Taylor, or Miller?"

"What about Green?" Carlton asked, scowling. Still, he didn't move from his position sprawled across the couch, video controller in hand, suggesting that his annoyance it was manufactured. "If any of us need a shave, it's him."

Azima rolled her eyes. "I keep my hands off other women's property. Especially when the woman at issue controls my requests for emergency assistance."

Danny snorted. "You heard the woman, Burk. Who is going first?"

"We should probably clear it with the Captain," Carlton said finally, scowling at Danny for throwing the hot potato squarely in his lap.

"Already done." Azima crossed her arms across her chest, smirking at Wolf, eyes gleaming. "Or are you scared?"

Before Wolf could respond to the challenge, Erik jump to his feet. "If the Captain says it's okay for us to shave, I can go do it myself. No need for you to help, ma'am. I mean it's nice of you to offer, but..."

"Miller, just sit." Carlton snapped, sitting up and setting the controller to the side. The tension between the two men remained palpable, despite having publicly hashed out what happened back at Rota. Visibly deflating, Erik plopped down in the chair that Azima had placed before the table. She lost no time covering his face with a layer of white foam so thick that Erik was sputtering bubbles.

"Stop wiggling," Azima cautioned has she stepped purposefully between Miller's legs, the switchblade beginning its first trip up his neck. "I wouldn't want to slip."

Erik's response was instantaneous, a deep flush covering him from head to foot. The man held perfectly still as Azima quickly and efficiently completed her task, alternating between cutting away chunks of hair with the scissors and removing the remaining scruff with her switchblade, until Erik didn't have a single strand of facial hair remaining.

Ray Diaz chose that moment to walk into the lounge, his bunkmate on his heels. "Kat's going to wipe the deck with you..." Both men came to an abrupt stop as they took in the bizarre sight of Azima standing with a knife to Rick's throat.

"Did you _boys_ need something?" Azima asked.

Ray's eyes swung from one member of the TAC team to the next before landing on Kat. She grinned at him, rising from the chair where she had been been observing the process with amusement. "Actually we were just leaving."

Dismissing them instantly, Azima's attention returned to Erik. Stepping back to admire her work, she pinched both of his cheeks, ignoring his wince. "Amazing. There was a human being under all that fur."

Allowing Erik to vacate the chair, something he did with much stumbling, cheeks still blazing, Azima turned her gaze on Wolf. She arched an eyebrow, which he respond to the lazy grin. "I have no problem letting you touch me anywhere you want."

"Unfortunately for you, the only place I want to put my hands is your face," Azima replied, slapping a handful of shaving creme directly on Wolf's mouth.

The process took slightly longer this time, Wolf's hair being thicker and slightly more difficult to remove than Rick's. When Azima was done, Carlton didn't argue, simply swapping positions with the Aussie. Azima was halfway done with her third shave when the door to the crew lounge opened and Kara walked in, followed by Alisha.

She stopped short, taking in the sight before her before fixing her gaze on husband. "Kat said that we should swing by the crew lounge. I didn't realize it had been turned into a barber's shop."

Danny rose from his chair, stroking the beard that was unlikely to see another sunset. "Why don't we take a walk and I'll fill you in?"

As the two exited the room, Azima gestured for Alisha to join them before offering, "You're welcome to take a turn."

"I actually don't have much interest in dealing with Burk's facial hair," Alisha replied cheekily. "And last time I checked, I didn't have a beard."

Azima's eyes gleamed. "I don't just do faces. In fact, I've been told that I'm very good at shaving ... other things."

Wolf's eyes bulged at the rather outrageous comment, his eyes darting from Azima to Alisha and back. Carlton rolled his eyes. "Are you going to finish or should I take care of it?"

Walking over, Alisha removed the switchblade from Azima's hand, completing Carlton's face in a quick three swipes. Handing him a towel, she turned back to Azima.

"Captain said after we get the seeds that we'll be up for a little bit of R&R. Then maybe we'll see how good you really are with a blade."


End file.
